I was asked to write about anything to do with the LGBT theme. My story: how it started, how I realised or how I “came out of the closet”. The problem is I am in the middle of this process, I am at this moment coming out of my closet.
I was 20 years old, just got in university to start my degree. I have always had best friends. A very close friend and I would lie down on the bed just cuddling, speaking, and sometimes just remaining silent. I remember this time when we both had to study and three hours just flew by when we were laying down and we sort of fell asleep with our cheeks together. We knew what we both wanted to do but it was hard to admit and suppressing it was the only way at the moment.
The conservative country we lived in wasn’t very helpful to make us see that everything was natural and beautiful but even if it wasn’t for the conservative country we both had a shock in admitting we were falling in love with a person of the same gender. It’s interesting how love is suppose to be the most beautiful and pure thing in the world and how it can scare us so much. One day we kissed and we agreed to date in secret. She used to freak out about how she would disappoint her father and I used to freak out how this could be happening but on a lower scale we had love on our side. With time I got confused and hurt her by going back to my ex-boyfriend. I thought I loved him but I ended up cheating on him with her as I still loved her. As I said, I was confused. It was hard to resist when we were around each other. We tried to date again. She cheated on me. I still wanted to fight for our love but it was ruined, too broken and too messy.
It has been 8 years since I fell in love with someone of the same gender for the first time.I moved to another country and city where I can just be myself and no one cares if you date a woman or a man. Much more liberal.
I fell in love again and again. My parents still don’t know that I date women. At the moment I think I am attracted to men and women. My sister and my friends know about my bisexuality and I am trying to find out if it’s bisexuality or homosexuality. However, I try not to think so much about it as I just think that when you fall in love, you fall for the person and it does really not matter if that person has a penis or a vagina. This is how I see love.
I want to come out to the most important person in the world to me: my mother. I keep imagining how to come out to her and I can’t find a perfect moment or the right words. I can’t picture her reaction. I am scared that the person that I care the most will not take it easily and will not accept me. I also think in some way I am to afraid of disappointing her even though there is absolutely no reason for her to feel that way. I am even scared that this way of thinking will hurt her more than telling the truth about my sexuality. I have no idea what so ever of what to expect. I know I want to choose the coward’s way and leave her a note and disappear. Cowards act as cowards many times because they are scared. And I am not different. One thing I am sure of is that I want to come out to her this year and then I will not have to “hide” from my family anymore.