First off, what does it truly mean to be asexual? The definition of Asexuality is when one does not feel sexual attraction. There is nothing wrong withthis, nothing that should be fixed. It is a real sexual orientation.

Now, let me debunk some of the claims people make about asexuality.

“Asexual? Have you been diagnosed….?”

It is not a disorder. Many think asexuality is a disorder, even some medical experts. There are many other terms for it, like hypoactive sexual desire disorder, but, again, asexuality is not a disorder. It is an orientation, just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, polysexuality and others. We do not need treatment or therapy, we can be perfectly happy as we are. The only thing that makes us unhappy and feel broken is this society that insists that we need to be fixed and that asexuality is not normal. It’s the same as when people claim it does not exist. Well, I have news for you, Asexuality is a very real sexual orientation and we are in no way broken or weird. We are still humans!

Personally, I think a big part of society is the unreasonable party here. First off, yes, sex can make you feel good, make you feel closer, have some health benefits, if you want it. And that is an important part, if you want it. There are people who don’t, or don’t care and it should be okay. Like there is sex without love, so there is love without sex. Yet, some parts of society make it seem like sex is the best of everything there is, when for some people it isn’t.

And then when you see sex everywhere, like ads, movies, in books, in music, it can be alienating and can make you feel broken.

If you like sex, that’s absolutely okay, but don’t pressure other people into it.

“You’re using the term wrong….!”

As for the term asexual itself, we are not using it wrong, but sometimes its use is deemed confusing, usually by some people who don’t feel like learning about the term. It’s true that it can be found in biology in terms of asexual reproduction. However, humans are not capable of this. We are not such simple organisms that we could make a clone of ourselves, nor does it mean that someone is born without reproductive organs, which something similar can perhaps happen, or that they have more than one, but for that there is a completely different term. But to return to the original issue with the term, well, words gain new meanings over time and this is one of them. So once again, asexuality means not feeling sexual attraction towards anyone.

“How can you be asexual if you masturbate….?”

People can be asexual and masturbate. The fact that someone masturbates means nothing. No sexual attraction is needed for that. Some people do it too and is for reasons such as it feels good, or that it helps to get rid of arousal and prevent perhaps some embarrassing situations, or perhaps because it helps you relax. And for those same reasons asexuals do it too. They can enjoy it, it can feel good to them. Others don’t, but they may still do it because perhaps they have a high libido and, in turn, may view it as a chore. Some don’t do it and some are repulsed by it. Neither makes someone more or less ace.

And no, you don’t need sexual attraction to have a libido. Those two are not dependent on each other. Being asexual doesn’t equal being non-libidoist, they are two very different things. Nor does being non-libidoist mean you have to be asexual.

Libido = a person’s overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity.

Non-libidoist = the opposite of libido; that person doesn’t have a desire for sexual activity.

Ace(s) = People who identify as asexual.

“Ha! If you have sex you can’t be asexual….!”

Asexuals can have sex. You don’t need any attraction to do it as well as you don’t need any love to do it. Some aces do it for their partners, who are sexual. Such aces, who compromise on sex, can like sex. They can like the feeling it gives them, or they can like it because they make their partners happy. Those are valid reasons and they shouldn’t be used against someone, same with having sex. The important indicator is having no attraction towards anyone.

Some don’t have sex, either because they just decided they don’t want to, or because they are sex-averse or sex-repulsed. And no, neither of the last two terms mean they hate on people who have sex and/or sex itself, that’d be anti-sexualism.

And it doesn’t invalidate them as asexual if they do have sex, no attraction for that is needed. And for those who don’t have sex, don’t enjoy it, or even are repulsed by it, it does not make them any less human.

“But I want to have sex….”

Sex is a big issue in relationships. If you like it and want it in your relationship that is okay, find a deal that suits you. However, it is not a given. You may want sex, but the final decision is on your partner. They may want a relationship, but not the sex part, which may be a deal breaker for you, which is also okay. You shouldn’t push yourself into something you don’t want to, but you also shouldn’t push your partner into something they don’t want either. And not to want sex is as much a need as to want it. Not wanting sex is not inferior and trying to push your needs above someone else’s is a big problem.

Some aces can compromise on sex, but there are those who don’t want to, or even can’t. So how do those who don’t want to or can’t compromise negotiate their relationships if the sexual partner is not willing or really can’t go without sex? Well, one possibility is an open relationship, where the sexual partner looks for people with which they could satisfy their sexual needs. It is usually strictly negotiated what they can and cannot do. It’s all about communication.

“Relationships can’t work without sex! That is no real love….!”

Just because someone can’t live without sex, doesn’t mean there are not people who can. There are and not just asexuals, but many people of various sexualities. And why would anyone go without sex? Well, some people don’t care about it or have a low libido and don’t mind going without it while others prefer doing things themselves: people may go celibate, or just stop because of a romantic partner. Also, people can be sex-repulsed and so the idea of them and sex feels very, very uncomfortable and can make them feel sick to their stomachs. Others can be non-libidoist and so doing something they don’t have a drive for doesn’t seem appealing. People like this exist and are out there. They can be of various sexes, genders, sexual orientations, and colors of skin, and backgrounds. There is nothing wrong with them, as in they don’t need fixing or therapy. It’s just part of who they are and it should be okay. Not everyone has to be interested, or see it as a necessity. We are, after all, very diverse beings. It has always been this way and always will be. It’s only just that nowadays people don’t have to fear the wrath of society so much, usually, and can live their lives like they want to as this world becomes more accepting, which didn’t exist in the past.

As for love without sex not being real, well, why would you say something like that? This is very rude to say and it’s invalidating for many people. There are several kinds of love. Yes, there is sexual love and it’s okay if it is important to you, but it doesn’t have to be for everyone, that is stereotyping. There is sexual love, romantic love, platonic love, friendship love, family love, and none is better than the other. Granted, you can see one as more important to you, but pushing this view on everyone else isn’t right.

If you have and want to have sex in your relationships that’s cool, go ahead. No non-elitist/antisexual aces will judge you, but in return we ask the same from you.